Jon Snow is definitely dead. Why wouldn’t he be? He was killed over a year ago. His bloody, punctured corpse has been lying on the icy grounds of the Wall all this time, while we’ve been carrying on with our lives. If he did survive that then he is almost certainly brain damaged. Not to mention smothered in twelve month’s worth of excrement. It seems odd that no one has moved his body. It must really fucking stink. But all the speculation isn’t about him BEING dead, is it? It’s about him being resurrected. Whether or not we see that in episode one of season six I won’t divulge. In any case, I was more concerned about remembering everyone’s names.
Not ruling out the possibility of mild amnesia, I stared rather blankly at Ser Davos Seaworth, trying to piece together how he ended up at the Wall. He’s the first to discover Jon Snow’s rigor mortis-stricken body, emphatically confirming the former Lord Commander’s death by saying something along the lines of ‘He’s dead’. The decision to kill him hasn’t gone down too well with the other half of the Night’s Watch. They’re rather fond of the guy that can take on 12 White Walkers by himself. So naturally, the camp has been divided.
But hang on, what about the redhead who keeps flashing her tits? Where’s she in all this? The episode is named after her, after all. Well, her involvement is the major talking point of the episode, but it’s not what you expect. Not even close.
Meanwhile, somewhere else, Reek and Sansa are still on the run. You’d think with one less appendage Reek would be streamline enough to have got away by now, but I guess this is what he gets for bringing someone along who’s wearing a long, puffy coat. Brienne of Tarth, who was able to film all of her scenes as Captain Phasma in Star Wars: The Force Awakens and nip back to her post in just thirteen minutes, is now ready to offer her services to the young Stark. Remember that storyline? Yeah, she’s determined to protect her because she failed with Catelyn. Catelyn. That’s the mother’s name, apparently.
At this point, I was practically ticking off the characters and locations as each one was visited in order of severity and likelihood of fanny. Where hadn’t we been yet? Ah yes, Jaime and Cersei Lannister. They’re quite pissed off about their daughter being murdered at the end of last season and it looks like they’re going to unleash their incestrial rage on the Dornish as a result. I also wouldn’t want to be the Sparrows after that whole strip and shame ordeal. I suspect hilarious, violent scenes are imminent.
That brings us to Tyrion, who’s rather lost for ideas after seeing Daenerys take off on her free airline – miserly bitch. She’s now somewhere sunny and sandy, enjoying the company of yet more Dothrakis, many of which want to shove it up her arse. Basically, she’s on holiday in Kavos.
There’s just enough time to see Arya Stark blind and penniless on the streets of Braavos – the consequence of appearing in a couple of episodes of Doctor Who. It’s quite depressing seeing her grovelling on the floor, taking beatings from random members of the public as they mockingly yell ‘Exterminate! Exterminate!’ It’s just as well the episode ends on a happier note, with a shot of the Red Woman’s tits. They’re a bit droopier than last time, mind.
Long-time survivor of birth with three years' experience in film and entertainment writing. Somehow published with two of the UK's biggest newspapers – The Telegraph and The Times. My alternative style of film, TV and game criticism (hopefully) offers readers a different and amusing way to read about the world of entertainment. I reside in the greyness of London, so I'm a bit miserable. You can follow me on Twitter @CMEcontent.